Sunday, 09 May 2004
 I've avoided writing seriously in my blog for the longest time by offering the dubious rationale that I'm wasting my time when I do and that by refraining I'm rewriting my past, meaning that in the future I won't be able to say that I ever was or still am foolish because there won't be any evidence. I've also become attracted to stoicism of all sorts liberally applied. But I concluded (just now, I think), that it's a sorry state when I feel I have to impress myself to myself (maybe that's why I can't figure out how to turn off the pretentious speaking, writing, etc.) and it's an especially sorry state when I do that by not doing anything. So now I'm writing but I still haven't gotten over feeling it's important to summarize my entire week and all its illuminating episodes in a compelling, lively, excellently-written manner, and I'm thinking, my God, I've got to do that, stop writing about writing right now, it's so dreadful, so solipsistic, masturbatory, so bad to be doing so, my God, what am I going to do, I'm still doing it here, spinning the wheels, I always do it when I start blog entries after a long break, I can't escape—BANG!!
Am I allowed to use bullet points?
• I spend most of my time Googling specific terms ("Indiana sucks").
• I thought for a few moments last night that I was incapable of love.
• By turns I've concluded that I take myself too seriously, that others take themselves too seriously and I don't, and that I'm never too circumspect. I don't think I've ever been correct.
Speaking of fables of food service, I went to Taco Bell late last night to purchase two soft tacos to satiate a passing hunger and to explore, finally, the theatrical, linoleum-lined experience that is the Akron restaurant, the largest 'Bell in the world. It is indeed large—it seemed to take forever to walk past all the empty tables to the cashier, who was talking brightly with a few workers but finally turned to me, looking terrified and uttering non sequiturs. He appeared pumped up on something, which wouldn't surprise me (according to an acquaintance the drug culture is explosive in the Akron food service industry), and he was barely able to take my order and return the change, but he did, thank God, since I don't know what I would have done otherwise, and the man who prepared the tacos thanked me on his behalf.
I took the endless walk out slightly ashamed of my helplessness.
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